All In Your Head by Andrew Kim

A veritable cacophony of sounds comprised of the clicking and shuffling of various shoes on concrete and asphalt. Among those were voices, some overlapped with laughter, some speaking in different languages and dialects, and some in urgent tones directed at boxes held up to ears. Maya stood dumbfounded at it all—her first time in a long time subjecting herself to anything outside of the confines of her small one-bedroom apartment. The light of the sun almost too bright despite the gloominess of the day. She forgot how busy the city was, even on a day like this one. Too many people, Maya thought, despite there being at most ten people within a fifty-foot radius of her. Those ten people seemed to fill her and the entire street with an anxious dread of being perceived. As she passed a man in a well pressed suit, she thought his nose twitched peculiarly and tried her best to remember if she had put on deodorant that morning. She crossed her arms just in case. A group of three passed her in a seemingly intentional silence, eyes fixed to the floor, smiles barely contained. Not a few steps after passing Maya, they erupted with bubbly laughter. Maya’s heart dropped slightly. All compounded by the feeling of its presence.

It would usually make its appearance by now. Maya was surprised if not altogether dreadfully worried about its absence. She looked at passing window reflections to check that it wasn’t matching her every step—following mockingly in her shadow. Maya considered turning back with her tail between her legs several times on her way to meet Ben. She reminded herself each time that she had asked for this—that trying this time would be better than not maybe. She checked a window one more time and thought she saw someone across the street, a wide and jeering grin plastered across their face. Maya stopped in her tracks and turned to see the figure across the street but saw no one. Her eyes shifted almost frantically. She quickened her step.

Maya stood at the entrance of the café; trepidation filled her eyes as she gazed at the sign overhead. “Mirage Coffee Roaster’s”. It was Ben that set the place, it screamed him was the thing. Sort of understated and incredibly earnest. The type of place you’d imagine would come up in a public space ambience audio. Something stopped it from being comforting though. Maya couldn’t shake the “what ifs” that could possibly account for what would happen next. Of course, she spent plenty of sleepless nights mapping out the plethora of ways the conversation could go. She knew she’d be at a loss for words when the moment would come, she always is, but still she let the anxiety run her mind ragged. It had been well over half a year since she’d even texted him or anyone from the old pack for that matter, and now she’d be having a cup of coffee with him. She didn’t want to pretend that the last six months didn’t happen, but what could she say? She rubbed her eyes with a thumb and an index finger. She knew now wasn’t the time to be distracted but she could feel the eyes of someone or something stalking her. She felt examined, seen, and maybe seen through. She looked over one shoulder. There were crowds of plenty, walking in each direction, but through it all she thought she saw someone across the street standing still. She thought for a moment they were facing her. She realized that some people around her began to shoot her irate glances as she stood in the middle of the sidewalk. She rushed into the café.

They hugged when they saw each other, but really it was him who hugged her. Ben sat at a table with a window directly behind him. He wore a denim sherpa jacket, his treasured item if ever he had one. It was impossible for Maya to remember a time he was without it. She sat down, opposite Ben, both hands cupping the coffee he had got her. They sat there for the ensuing moments before one of them spoke. A cloud hung over them, Maya felt it weighing on her with a pressure that filled her with a quiet dread.

"How have you been?" Ben asked in an almost earnest yet inquisitive tone. 

"Oh, I'm fine,” her brow furrowed slightly, and she let out a small sigh. "I've been okay, how are things with you?"

"Ah well, you know how things get, 'work is work'."

"Right..." you could almost imagine them both looking around the cafe for cue cards that would give them any sense of direction or ease.

"Oh! Remember Ava? Maya thought for a moment before answering. "From high school?" She asked.

"Yeah, that one! They reached out to me and-- oh right they're non-binary now. You shoulda seen them, completely different since back then. They go by Percy now."

"Oh wow, that's good. Good for them, yeah." Maya’s voice—a mix of shock and elation. "That's amazing, god it's been so long since I spoke to them."

"No really, it's so-- just-- amazing, they've got this confidence I've never seen from them before. But anyway, you won't believe where they ended up."

"Where did they end up?"

"They've been living it up in Cancun! Apparently with this super successful artist guy!"

"This whole time?"

"Pshhh yeah, apparently!”

"F***… Is he hot?" Curiosity got the better of her.

"Pshhhh-- Yes, unbelievably so."

They burst out in laughter, and for a moment whatever hung over them wavered. Moments after the laughter died down.

"Percy asked about you by the way-- said they missed you.” He paused before continuing. “We all do."

 There was a confliction in the silence she emitted-- the kind of internal struggle that occurs when someone who's intimately familiar with that struggle—and is even more used to keeping it inside themselves. She looked down at her coffee. She knew that she’d burst eventually with the way things were going now, she just knew. She looked up from her coffee with pained eyes and a quivering lip. She inhaled deeply as she gathered the strength and the words to finally express her hurt but as her eyes found Ben, something else caught them in the window. 

Someone was staring at them from across the street. No, it was staring at her. The figure was man shaped, even draped with a crude looking charcoal black trench coat and a matching fedora it looked grotesquely thin. It towered over the people walking every which way past it. The skin of its face pulled by its cheeks revealing yellow and disproportionate teeth in a mockery of a smile— its eyes obscured by the hat. It raised one lanky and grotesque arm slowly and began to wave. Maya’s stomach dropped.

“Maya?”

“Huh? W-what?” Her voice shaky, hands trembling.

“You’ve gone pale. Are you okay?”

“Yeah—I’m good—I just had too much coffee, ha-ha!”

“But you’ve barely touched your cup.”

“Oh—ha-ha—right, I had some earlier, I wasn’t thinking about it when I bought this cu—” Maya glanced out the window to see the thing standing directing in front of the window now. Its head just above its frame. Despite this, Maya still felt its eyes on her—she knew it could see her. And as if it knew Maya’s mind it raised its arm and waved. Maya swiftly looked back down at her cup and squeezed her eyes shut for good measure.

“Woah, what’s going on? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Maya snapped back, before softening her tone. “I’m fine, I—I just need to use the restroom.” She didn’t wait for him to respond before standing up and nearly knocking over her chair. After asking a barista for directions to the bathroom, she followed them with her head bent towards the floor. The bathroom was a tiny room with a single sink and one stall. There was a mirror that hung over the sink—Maya stood in front of it, her hands clasping the sides of the sink. With her eyes closed once more she repeated three words over and over. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. As much a prayer as much a wish. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. The door squeaked open. 

“Woah, are you alright?” A woman’s voice said

“I’m good, I’m good, I’m just taking a minute.” Maya regarded the voice with her eyes still shut. She knew what she would see if she opened them now. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, what do you need?” A hand touched Maya’s back

“DON’T TOUCH ME!!”

There was a moment of silence before the door opened and closed again. Maya stood there for a long while. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. Her eyelids softened but were still closed. She opened them to a squint only to see the it bent over her in the reflection, its head bent downward towards her face. If she moved her head slightly upward, she would meet the empty eyes of the it. She shut them again and moved swiftly to the stall. Upon locking it, she crumbled to the far wall—her arms cradling her knees. She knew it would be peering over the stall, looking at her, its horrible yellow grin clashing with the white of its skin. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. She knew it wasn’t, logically it couldn’t be, but she still couldn’t bring herself to believe it. In her heart of hearts, she knew it was real. A part of her—impeachable and embedded within her. She would never be rid of it, she thought. She felt so alone there, huddled in the corner, cowering and jumping at shadows. There was a knock at the door.

“Maya, it’s me—it’s Ben. Look, I’m sorry if what I said scared you or made you feel uncomfortable. That wasn’t my intention.” Maya started to stand back up.

“The reason I called you here, is because we all miss you. I’m sorry we haven’t been there for you, but we all want to try.” Through Maya’s closed eyes tears streamed, and she muffled her cries with her hand. She stepped forward.

“Maya— please tell me what’s going on.” Maya's sobs filled the echoing bathroom. Her hand, now trembling, fell slowly away from her mouth-- her lip quivering. She thought about all the times she didn't say anything, all the times she felt she couldn't, and all the times she knew she should've. The trembling gave way to tremors-- a shaking that reverberated throughout her body and they reached even further out and seemingly shaking the stall she stood in. To Maya it was her entire world. A quaking that threatened to tear the room asunder-- tear her asunder if she kept her silence. Maya held her head in a vein effort to hold herself together. She opened her mouth to speak, her eyes still closed.

"Ben, I--," the quaking reaching its zenith now. "--I can't."

Her world became still as the words left her mouth. She took one step back and lost her footing, bracing for her inevitable crash into the wall behind her, but felt nothing. The floor became nothing. And in that nothing its arms beckoned her further down. Maya sunk to its depths, and when she opened her eyes again, it was too dark to see.